(Update note: I just finished, as of 03-19-2009, watching the entire freaking series, so you don’t have to. I will write newer posts about the experience, but I’m going back to add and remove a few episodes to tighten the narrative of the X-Files myth-arc. If you have any questions, let me know in the comments.)

I don’t care if you’re a 45 year old stay at home mom, I don’t care if you’re a 9 year old girl, I don’t care if you’re Richard Fucking Branson. You need to watch the X-Files.  Because when you’re old and books are coming out in the NYT.com book review (the newspaper won’t exist) about the CULTURAL GODDAMN SIGNIFICANCE of the character of Fox William “Spooky” Mulder, you’re going to feel really fucking stupid.

He is Don Quixote tucked inside Atticus Finch wrapped in a John Procter dangling off a Holden Caulfield with a Wilson Smith on top.  He’s cooler than James Bond, he’s more tortured than Sisyphus, he’s got more sexual tension to deal with than ANY of the characters in The English Patient.

I could go at great length to academically break Fox Mulder down, analyze him, make him into a freaking dissertation.  But I won’t (at least not right now).

I want you to get in on the action.  “What, Nick? How do I have time to watch 9 seasons of TV?  I’m not really that into Sci-Fi!  I don’t care what you say!”

I give you, below the jump, the definitive guide to skipping all the BS bigfoot, sea monster, and ghost episodes; and I give you the trimmed down, kick ass character arc loaded episode guide of what you need to see to experience the character that is a titan of 20^th Century fiction.  Click the link to finish reading.

Warning: If you only watch the episodes below, you are trimming down the series considerably.  There is a lot of subtle character building that you may not get the full effect of.  However, if you’re short-ish on time but want to get a great feel of what the X-Files is all about, watch the episodes below.

I’ve highlighted in blue episodes that were not part of the original list, but have been added due to significance to the myth-arc.

The Concise X-Files “Government Conspiracy, Mulder and Scully are G’ed up from the Feet up” Episode Guide

Season One Episodes (6 Episodes)

The X-Files (001-101)

Deep Throat (002-102)

Conduit (004-104)

Fallen Angel (010-110)

E.B.E. (017-117)

The Erlenmeyer Flask (024-124)

Season Two Episodes (10 Episodes)

Little Green Men (025-201)

Sleepless (028-204)

Duane Barry (029-205)

Ascension (030-206)

One Breath (032-208)

Red Museum (034-210)

Colony (040-216)

End Game (041-217)

Fearful Symmetry (042-218)

The Anasazi (049-225)

Season Three Episodes (10 Episodes)

The Blessing Way (050-301)

Paper Clip (051-302)

Nisei (058-309)

731 (059-310)

War of the Coprophages (061-312)

Piper Maru (064-315)

Apocrypha (065-316)

Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space’ (069-320) *Trippy, hilarious, self-referential comedy episode. Definitely worth a watch, but not vital to the over-arching storyline.

Wetwired (072-323)

Talitha Cumi (073-324)

Season Four Episodes (10 Episodes)

Herrenvolk (074-401)

Musings Of A Cigarette Smoking Man (080-407)

Tunguska (081-408)

Terma (082-409)

Memento Mori (087-414)

Tempus Fugit (090-417)

Max (091-418)

Zero Sum (094-421)

Demons (096-423)

Gethsemane (097-424)

Season Five Episodes (9 Episodes)

Redux (098-501)

Redux II (099-502)

Unusual Suspects (100-503)

Christmas Carol (103-506)

Emily (104-507)

Patient X (110-513)

The Red And The Black (111-514)

Travelers (112-515)

The End (117-520)

The X-Files: Fight the Future (Movie) My introduction to the X-Files universe when I was in 8th grade, this shit will blow your mind.

Season Six Episodes (6 Episodes)

The Beginning (118-601)

S.R. 819 (126-609)

Two Fathers (128-611)

One Son (129-612)

Three of a Kind (137-620)

Biogenesis (139-622)

Season Seven Episodes (7 Episodes)

The Sixth Extinction (140-701)

The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati (141-702)

Sein Und Zeit (149-710)

Closure (150-711)

En Ami (154-715)

Hollywood A.D. (158-719) A Network TV show based on the X-Files is created. So meta.   Guest starring Tea Leoni and Gary Shandling.

Requiem (161-722)

Season Eight Episodes (9 Episodes)

Within (162-801)

Without (163-802)

Per Manum (174-813)

This Is Not Happening (175-814)

DeadAlive (176-815)

Three Words (177-816)

Vienen (179-818)

Essence (181-820)

Existence (182-821)

Season Nine Episodes (8 Episodes)

Nothing Important Happened Today (183-901)

Nothing Important Happened Today II (184-902)

Trust No 1 (188-906)

Provenance (191-909)

Providence (192-910)

Jump the Shark (197-915)

William (198-916)

The Truth (201-919)

There you go.  We just trimmed 202 episodes of the TV canon down to 75 episodes and 1 movie.  Enjoy.

“I’m the key figure in an ongoing government charade, the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It’s a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet, so, of course, no one believes me. I’m an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits it’s gonna be the shit-storm of all time.”